Have you ever been so enamored with someone that you didn’t realize they weren’t loving you the right way? I don’t know if it was me being consumed with the love I had for him, or the fact that I was relieved that I was actually able to love again after my previous relationship. I just know somewhere I lost myself, I lost track of what I valued in a partner, I lost my values, and at some point, I lost my voice.
I was to blame!
We teach people how to treat us and people will only do what you allow. I don’t know how many times I have seen those quotes throughout my life, but they never resonated so well with me until this relationship. I felt like the novel A Tale of Two Cities because my relationship was literally the first paragraph:
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way.
There were times when I knew it wouldn’t work, but then something would tell me if you really love him you wouldn’t give up on him. I don’t know how many times I tried to convince myself he would change. You know when you have experienced someone one way, then they switch to a completely different person you have hope. You have hope that everything happening now is a fluke and that person you first met would soon return. Let’s skip to the end – spoiler alert. People don’t change. Well scratch that people do change, but they have to actually want to change. You cannot change anyone. Change is an action that must be sparked from inside. If we could change people everyone would be living their best life because someone would have changed them for the better by now.
As always I will own up to my part in yet another failed relationship. I couldn’t be the woman he wanted me to be. I’m outspoken, I will not sit back and let anyone eff me over and not say anything. I can’t be that girl who lets you talk to me any kind of way and stay on hush. I’m not here for the disrespect, that’s one thing I will always be absent for. I’ll never subscribe to that shit! Men want so many things from women when they aren’t giving you anything, I always wondered how that worked. I think I would be more open to compromise on positive aspects if I was met halfway. We tried really hard to be the person that we both longed for, but it doesn’t always work out, in the end, the way you would hope.
I am thankful for all the good times. There were many good times. Sometimes I felt like there was absolutely no one on this earth who could make me as happy as he could. When I was happy everyone saw it. I’m grateful for the new experiences we shared together. I laughed a lot, I explored two states I had never been to with him. We met in Mexico and traveled to Jamaica and Grand Cayman together. There were good times, unfortunately, there weren’t enough to sustain us. I would always wait for some grand gesture, one sentimental moment, one romantic act, someone who was serious about saving the relationship. You can only have so many talks about the same thing, so many talks where things were good for a week, or less – then back to the bullshit. It’s exhausting!
The most important thing I learned is that you can love someone to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, but that won’t make them treat you the way you want to be treated, that won’t make them love you the way you want to be loved, all you can do is show effort.
I can honestly say I loved this man wholeheartedly because I honestly wish the best for him. You know we always say that to be the bigger person in the end, but I actually mean it. I really want him to win, I want him to be happy with the person that can be his person, and I wish nothing but good things for him. The hardest part about everything is I’m losing one of my best friends, but I know it’s truly for the best.
These days have been more about me. I literally do what I want. I am all about putting myself first and I must admit it feels good.
Never get so enthralled in someone that you forget to take care of you.
– India Sierra