It’s 12 AM and I’m sitting in the dark freaking out about what should be my first new post for the re-launch of my blog. I have changed my blog launch date three days and I finally decided there’s no perfect date, just launch it. I spent a month designing the perfect site only to scrap it, mess it up, change colors, change the theme, and end up back at square one with a WordPress theme that looks like it was designed by a teenager for their Myspace page. I started pouring my heart out in blog posts only to not post any of them. I am A LOT. I don’t pretend to be anything but that. At times I’m emotional, at times I’m emotionless. Sometimes I find myself caring for people I shouldn’t care for a lot more than I care for the people who give a damn about me. My discernment is not always the best when it comes to relationships, and I go hard for the wrong people and never realize it until I’m in way too deep. I will listen to the same song for hours at a time on repeat because once I find something I like, I’m obsessed. That goes for every aspect of my life which can sometimes hinder me from moving forward. I like to be at home over being out, but don’t confuse me for one of these “pick me girls” begging to be recognized as wifey material by these men who are nobody’s husband material on their best day because that ain’t the case, I don’t want to be chose. I’m probably the opposite of anything you will see a man post in a meme about the kind of woman he wishes he could find. I’m always smiling even when I don’t feel like it because it comes naturally to me, but like everyone else, I have bad days and I try my hardest not to project those onto anyone else.
I’m conflicted on which direction I should go with my career, so I’m stuck in a routine of going to work doing something I know I’m no longer passionate about. I have a handful of good friends who I love dearly, but a phone full of people who probably don’t know my birthday. If you haven’t noticed by now I’m all over the place. My brain is full of so many ideas, so many amazing ideas that I have yet to execute. New year, New me. I said it and I must say I have done things a lot differently thus far, but I have so much more to offer. My 2018 has been about being deliberate in everything I do. I am telling people how I feel and calling people on their shit. I am not allowing people to think it’s okay to take more than they give. I can no longer be the shoulder to lean on for people who don’t think to ask me how I’m doing from time to time. Forgiveness is always on my agenda, but making room for the forgiven to repeat their mistakes is dead and I no longer tolerate it.
I am indecisive. I don’t always know what I want, or when I want it. I don’t always know if I really like being alone, or if it’s something I grew accustomed to. I’ve had my share of heartbreaks and I still believe that love is on the horizon for me. I am tired, but sleep has never been something that came easily to me. I’m anxious, I’m excited, hell I’m nervous. Welcome to my space to share my thoughts, my life, I want to be open . . . honest and open with you, me, and as concise as I can be.
Come on in, but wipe your feet before you do.
xo India Sierra