Moving to California was his idea, but I was fully supportive and excited about a brand new environment. I loved it here when I moved here, but I was stressed out beyond belief with no real friends, family, and only my boyfriend (at the time) to lean on. I spent almost everyday praying for the right job where I would actually be happy and not continue to be stressed like I was, but it didn’t happen right away. Friends were far and few in this new place and I kept everything inside. I literally spent my free time watching Netflix and Hulu, or walking my dog. We used to talk about all the things we would do, places we would eat, and road trips to surrounding areas. None of that happened, we barely went on dates yet alone spent quality time together anymore and according to him I was taking the easy way out. He had the job he wanted, his close friends lived nearby in Vegas and he could always take a drive if he needed to feel something familiar. I worked from home with no human contact and no coworkers to grow close to. I was searching for my happiness, but the one person who was supposed to be there for me was shutting me out.
How do you know how someone feels about you? Wait for the breakup . . . every single thing they never told you will suddenly be thrown in your face. All of their family and friends who they claimed liked you will actually never have liked you at all. They will say you never did anything for them and they will say you weren’t there for them. Nevermind the hours you spent searching for them a job in LA when you weren’t even apart of that equation at the time. None of that will matter. Someone can talk about marriage and a future with you, then tell you the opposite. Life is crazy.
I always see a little quote graphic that says “Don’t let everyone use you, but God!” This hits home so much right now because I feel like I’m ALWAYS there for anyone who needs me, but when I need someone I hear about it later, or they don’t come through. People will literally never give up on anything else until it comes to you. Five whole years down the drain and I’m left with photographs and alone in a state across the country from everyone who truly loves me. The worst thing is to see the person who you were down for do everything they were supposed to do with you with everyone else.
So many things have happened in the past few months that I almost questioned how great of a person I was and that I deserve the world and every darn thing in it. If it wasn’t for God I honestly don’t know how I would have made it through. I love California, I love my job, and I love a man who gave up on me. I’m not broken . . . just a little bent.
– India Clayton