I have literally deleted this line over 5x while deciding if I should continue to post about my personal life on my blog. I received so much positive feedback about my vulnerability in my post “I’m not broken”, but that was really hard for me to write. They say once you write it down – it’s real & you have to commit. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to commit to what people would think. I wasn’t ready for the concern, the embarrassment, the judgment. I wasn’t ready to acknowledge that after five year’s, in the end, it meant nothing. I started this blog to share US exploring California together. I wanted my family and friends to see what we were doing. I wanted to share places with people dreaming of moving here, but here I am writing about heartbreak and all that comes with it. I had a personal blog years ago and decided to try something different this time, but this is my life in California. I don’t know who really reads this besides my family & friends – but it would be a disservice not to be transparent and share. So here I am . . .
The past week has been draining, to say the least. I never thought I would be up at wee hours of the night searching for places to rent with people I never met. I moved here with who I thought would be my forever roommate, but now I’ve been reduced to visiting places and seeing the vibe change once they see that I’m black. I’m sure it’s not like this in LA, but this is my reality in Orange County. If me having a dog wasn’t enough, I now have to worry about actually hearing back from these potential roommates because of this beautiful melanin I was Blessed with. I was wary of having a roommate from the beginning, but if I want to live somewhere nice and clean in this city – it’s a must. I have to admit at this very moment I feel defeated, exhausted, and almost ready to give up and go back to Atlanta. I thought finding a job that I loved was all I needed to be happy, but it turns out I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Starting over is never easy, that’s what I keep telling myself to remember I’m not the only one in the world going through this. I get so pissed off thinking about the events that led me here, I guess sometimes listening to your heart isn’t always the best thing to do. ” Love is giving somebody the ability to destroy you, but trusting them not to.” I always loved that quote until I was on the other end of it – always consider the but! I’m so angry with myself for trusting someone so much to move across the country with them. I’m so upset at myself for being so vulnerable and comfortable that I was too blind to see this that what was forever to me was a stepping stone for him. I have no one to blame for what happened to me because I should never have put myself in a situation where I needed someone. Sometimes you get so caught up in loving someone you fail to realize you’re not being loved back.
I’m a woman of faith and I know that what’s meant for me will always be for me, so I will continue to trust God. I need to get back to roommate hunting, so I will leave you with one of my favorite Bible verses.
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)
– xoxo India Clayton