You were never mine.

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Have you ever met someone and knew right away you wanted to love them? It was a new feeling for me, but the more scars he revealed to me the more I fell for him, every aspect of his past made me want to be apart of his future. I was hopeful and for the first time in a very long time all in. Now before you get excited this story isn’t a fairy tale, nor does it have a happy ending. There were some detours, second chances, and it involved endless apologies, repetitive conversations and days without speaking leaving me to wonder was this really meant to be. Is love supposed to be confusing, that was the question I asked myself every day, is love complicated, does it leave you wondering? I’d like to tell you I have all the answers, I would really like to say we figured it out and that we got it together because we knew it was worth it, but I would be lying and as always this is a place where I come to lay my truth out,

I was in way too deep from the beginning, we connected through faith which is something I had always hoped for. In my previous relationship my faith in God wasn’t respected and was sometimes made to be a joke, so this was beyond refreshing. Though we connected spiritually we were lacking in other areas specifically communication which would ultimately be our demise.

I felt neglected and ignored by the one person I wanted to give my time to the most and at times found myself venting on social media. Was this a game to him, did it make him feel good to know his silence left my mind racing with thoughts, so many thoughts of why, what, and who. Why was it so hard for him to give me the simple things I was asking for, but the real question was why did I have to ask to begin with? I knew something was wrong, I could no longer ignore that it felt I was forcing this situation. Lack of effort, lack of communication, and lack of concern when it came to my feelings were all pointing to another heartbreak on the horizon.

I did my best to distance myself when I felt I was wasting my time, but he would come with all the right words to make me feel I was overthinking. I had never felt Sza’s lyrics to Love Galore so much: ” Why you bother me when you know you don’t want me?” rang loudly in my head and the sound of him saying I love you India rang louder. I was so confused because I wanted to believe he really did love me, but how could you love someone and treat them less than, why neglect the little things, why make exes and women online feel more special than her? I guess I left out one big detail, he wasn’t mine. We weren’t in a relationship, somehow I allowed myself to accept this situationship for more than it was. Words more than actions and I ate them up like the last supper all because I loved him.

Why do we allow ourselves to accept less than we deserve? How did I allow myself to give and pour out when my well was running dry? I went through so many things alone because I couldn’t talk to him anymore, if I wanted to communicate with him to resolve our problems the conversation was never seen to the end because effective communication to him looked like an argument. I always knew the issues we had could be resolved if we could just talk, instead of me talking and him not really hearing what I was saying and never adding input. I began to wonder if maybe despite what he said I wasn’t the one for him. I started to see things that made me question if I was being told the truth and I stopped contacting him. I was hurting, with so much going on in my life I still wanted him to be there for me, but he wasn’t and then he called. . .

I already told you this doesn’t have a happy ending it was the type of conversation you have when you run into an ex with his new girlfriend, what can you really say besides hey, how are you doing. Only this was just us, and what used to be comfortable and felt like love now felt like two strangers. The conversation ended less than 5 mins followed by pointless texts, to nothing. I didn’t know how to feel, the person I wanted to share life with was probably just a facade to me. I began replaying the conversations in my head where I was asking for something so little, and it was still too much and I realized he was never mine. I wanted him to be, but he was not mine. There is probably some woman getting what I so desperately wanted from him, but I will have to be okay with that because when you truly love someone you want them to be happy even if its not with you.

Someday I will look at someone and smile knowing they are for me and this love thing won’t be as hard.

Wasting Time

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When I think of the most valuable things I have control over MY TIME is always at the top of my list. Time is something we can literally NEVER get back that’s why I don’t take it lightly when people waste mine. When I think back to relationships, friendships, jobs, and things I put energy and time into I sometimes become angry thinking that I devoted so much time into things I know weren’t right for me. Why do we stay in a situation that no longer serves us? When you’re eating something and you don’t like how it tastes we will be quick to stop eating, or even throw it out, but why do we continue to chew off more than we can swallow with other areas of our life.  My last relationship was a learning experience for me because baby when I say I learned some things, I truly LEARNED SOME THINGS and when that was over and I finally gained the strength to let it go and not look back I told myself moving forward I would let go when I knew something or someone wasn’t good for my mental health, my happiness, or my peace.

This is why people feel as though I have changed because I didn’t immediately follow through with those words. I entered into situationships and friendships where people weren’t being the type of people they initially presented themselves as. I mean don’t tell me in the beginning how real of a person you are and what you’re about, but then get comfortable and switch it up. No baby keep that same energy you had in the beginning or keep it. Don’t come into my life presenting yourself as a friend, but when you get angry you’re anything but that.  I have been doing so good at exiting the moment a person has me completely f%cked up, but for some reason, I can’t seem to keep my word when it comes to one person. I will save that for next time because time will not allow me to describe one of the most complicated situations I have ever engaged in.

 – xoxo India Sierra

Simple

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Months later, but here I am. I told myself I wouldn’t post any bs on here, from the start I wanted this to be a genuine space. I wanted to be able to be transparent and me, but I didn’t want this to only be an angry place and for the past few months every single time I drafted a post it was me venting, wanting to bash someone who did me wrong or a post about something that should be a conversation instead – so I didn’t post them. I took my own advice and had tough conversations, channeled my frustrations with things and people into positive, productive ways.

The past few months have been a serious eye opener, some of the people I thought were closest to me proved to be disloyal, and others were there for me more than I could have ever imagined. I was truly hurt to lose a friendship that I held close to me, but when people are upset they reveal who they really are. Years of memories, conversations, and being there for someone can turn into a text argument with things said that makes you think ” damn, do I really know this person?”. One thing I take seriously is friendship and I rather be alone and enjoying my own company than spending my time being there for people who treat people who actually did them wrong better than they treat you. These days I’ve learned how to separate the people who are there from the people who are there for me. I have come to learn that sometimes we will have people who are around to hang with because they’re fun and always down for a good time, and then there are people who you can pour your heart out to, tell the most embarrassing stories, and always count on them when you truly need someone. It’s okay to have associates, but don’t make the mistake of thinking everyone around is your friend. I make people earn the title of a friend because I have crossed paths with far too many people who don’t know what it truly entails to be a friend to someone.

I gave up on dating, This day and age it’s hard to trust men, they go to great lengths to be deceitful. It’s hard to differentiate between the facade guys display on social media and who they really are. There are so many men acting like Steve Harvey and relationship therapists online, but not keeping that same energy while they’re wasting your time, so I prefer to invest my time elsewhere. These men will be here and if all else fails I’m prepared to be the cool aunt traveling the world living my best life.

It could all be simple, why complicate things? Be there for people who show up for you. Love people who give you love. Invest your time in those who make time for you. It’s an invigorating feeling to live without overthinking.

 

xoxo India Clayton

 

Indecisive

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It’s 12 AM and I’m sitting in the dark freaking out about what should be my first new post for the re-launch of my blog. I have changed my blog launch date three days and I finally decided there’s no perfect date, just launch it. I spent a month designing the perfect site only to scrap it, mess it up, change colors, change the theme, and end up back at square one with a WordPress theme that looks like it was designed by a teenager for their Myspace page. I started pouring my heart out in blog posts only to not post any of them. I am A LOT. I don’t pretend to be anything but that. At times I’m emotional, at times I’m emotionless. Sometimes I find myself caring for people I shouldn’t care for a lot more than I care for the people who give a damn about me. My discernment is not always the best when it comes to relationships, and I go hard for the wrong people and never realize it until I’m in way too deep. I will listen to the same song for hours at a time on repeat because once I find something I like, I’m obsessed. That goes for every aspect of my life which can sometimes hinder me from moving forward. I like to be at home over being out, but don’t confuse me for one of these “pick me girls” begging to be recognized as wifey material by these men who are nobody’s husband material on their best day because that ain’t the case, I don’t want to be chose. I’m probably the opposite of anything you will see a man post in a meme about the kind of woman he wishes he could find. I’m always smiling even when I don’t feel like it because it comes naturally to me, but like everyone else, I have bad days and I try my hardest not to project those onto anyone else.

I’m conflicted on which direction I should go with my career, so I’m stuck in a routine of going to work doing something I know I’m no longer passionate about. I have a handful of good friends who I love dearly, but a phone full of people who probably don’t know my birthday. If you haven’t noticed by now I’m all over the place. My brain is full of so many ideas, so many amazing ideas that I have yet to execute. New year, New me. I said it and I must say I have done things a lot differently thus far, but I have so much more to offer. My 2018 has been about being deliberate in everything I do. I am telling people how I feel and calling people on their shit. I am not allowing people to think it’s okay to take more than they give. I can no longer be the shoulder to lean on for people who don’t think to ask me how I’m doing from time to time. Forgiveness is always on my agenda, but making room for the forgiven to repeat their mistakes is dead and I no longer tolerate it.

I am indecisive. I don’t always know what I want, or when I want it. I don’t always know if I really like being alone, or if it’s something I grew accustomed to. I’ve had my share of heartbreaks and I still believe that love is on the horizon for me. I am tired, but sleep has never been something that came easily to me. I’m anxious, I’m excited, hell I’m nervous. Welcome to my space to share my thoughts, my life, I want to be open . . .  honest and open with you, me, and as concise as I can be.

Come on in, but wipe your feet before you  do.

xo India Sierra

Putting Myself First

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Have you ever been so enamored with someone that you didn’t realize they weren’t loving you the right way? I don’t know if it was me being consumed with the love I had for him, or the fact that I was relieved that I was actually able to love again after my previous relationship. I just know somewhere I lost myself, I lost track of what I valued in a partner, I lost my values, and at some point, I lost my voice.

I was to blame!

We teach people how to treat us and people will only do what you allow. I don’t know how many times I have seen those quotes throughout my life, but they never resonated so well with me until this relationship. I felt like the novel A Tale of Two Cities because my relationship was literally the first paragraph:

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way.

There were times when I knew it wouldn’t work, but then something would tell me if you really love him you wouldn’t give up on him. I don’t know how many times I tried to convince myself he would change. You know when you have experienced someone one way, then they switch to a completely different person you have hope. You have hope that everything happening now is a fluke and that person you first met would soon return. Let’s skip to the end – spoiler alert. People don’t change. Well scratch that people do change, but they have to actually want to change. You cannot change anyone. Change is an action that must be sparked from inside. If we could change people everyone would be living their best life because someone would have changed them for the better by now.

As always I will own up to my part in yet another failed relationship. I couldn’t be the woman he wanted me to be. I’m outspoken, I will not sit back and let anyone eff me over and not say anything. I can’t be that girl who lets you talk to me any kind of way and stay on hush. I’m not here for the disrespect, that’s one thing I will always be absent for. I’ll never subscribe to that shit! Men want so many things from women when they aren’t giving you anything, I always wondered how that worked. I think I would be more open to compromise on positive aspects if I was met halfway. We tried really hard to be the person that we both longed for, but it doesn’t always work out, in the end, the way you would hope.

I am thankful for all the good times. There were many good times. Sometimes I felt like there was absolutely no one on this earth who could make me as happy as he could. When I was happy everyone saw it. I’m grateful for the new experiences we shared together. I laughed a lot, I explored two states I had never been to with him. We met in Mexico and traveled to Jamaica and Grand Cayman together. There were good times, unfortunately, there weren’t enough to sustain us. I would always wait for some grand gesture, one sentimental moment, one romantic act, someone who was serious about saving the relationship. You can only have so many talks about the same thing, so many talks where things were good for a week, or less – then back to the bullshit. It’s exhausting!

The most important thing I learned is that you can love someone to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, but that won’t make them treat you the way you want to be treated, that won’t make them love you the way you want to be loved, all you can do is show effort.

I can honestly say I loved this man wholeheartedly because I honestly wish the best for him. You know we always say that to be the bigger person in the end, but I actually mean it. I really want him to win, I want him to be happy with the person that can be his person, and I wish nothing but good things for him. The hardest part about everything is I’m losing one of my best friends, but I know it’s truly for the best.

These days have been more about me. I literally do what I want. I am all about putting myself first and I must admit it feels good.

Never get so enthralled in someone that you forget to take care of you.

– India Sierra

Moving On, Literally.

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I have literally deleted this line over 5x while deciding if I should continue to post about my personal life on my blog. I received so much positive feedback about my vulnerability in my post “I’m not broken”, but that was really hard for me to write. They say once you write it down – it’s real & you have to commit. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to commit to what people would think. I wasn’t ready for the concern, the embarrassment, the judgment. I wasn’t ready to acknowledge that after five year’s, in the end, it meant nothing. I started this blog to share US exploring California together. I wanted my family and friends to see what we were doing. I wanted to share places with people dreaming of moving here, but here I am writing about heartbreak and all that comes with it. I had a personal blog years ago and decided to try something different this time, but this is my life in California. I don’t know who really reads this besides my family & friends – but it would be a disservice not to be transparent and share. So here I am . . .

The past week has been draining, to say the least. I never thought I would be up at wee hours of the night searching for places to rent with people I never met. I moved here with who I thought would be my forever roommate, but now I’ve been reduced to visiting places and seeing the vibe change once they see that I’m black. I’m sure it’s not like this in LA, but this is my reality in Orange County. If me having a dog wasn’t enough, I now have to worry about actually hearing back from these potential roommates because of this beautiful melanin I was Blessed with. I was wary of having a roommate from the beginning, but if I want to live somewhere nice and clean in this city – it’s a must. I have to admit at this very moment I feel defeated, exhausted, and almost ready to give up and go back to Atlanta. I thought finding a job that I loved was all I needed to be happy, but it turns out I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Starting over is never easy, that’s what I keep telling myself to remember I’m not the only one in the world going through this. I get so pissed off thinking about the events that led me here, I guess sometimes listening to your heart isn’t always the best thing to do. ” Love is giving somebody the ability to destroy you, but trusting them not to.” I always loved that quote until I was on the other end of it – always consider the but! I’m so angry with myself for trusting someone so much to move across the country with them. I’m so upset at myself for being so vulnerable and comfortable that I was too blind to see this that what was forever to me was a stepping stone for him. I have no one to blame for what happened to me because I should never have put myself in a situation where I needed someone. Sometimes you get so caught up in loving someone you fail to realize you’re not being loved back.

I’m a woman of faith and I know that what’s meant for me will always be for me, so I will continue to trust God. I need to get back to roommate hunting, so I will leave you with one of my favorite Bible verses.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

– xoxo India Clayton

I’m Not Broken

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Moving to California was his idea, but I was fully supportive and excited about a brand new environment. I loved it here when I moved here, but I was stressed out beyond belief with no real friends, family, and only my boyfriend (at the time) to lean on. I spent almost everyday praying for the right job where I would actually be happy and not continue to be stressed like I was, but it didn’t happen right away. Friends were far and few in this new place and I kept everything inside. I literally spent my free time watching Netflix and Hulu, or walking my dog. We used to talk about all the things we would do, places we would eat, and road trips to surrounding areas. None of that happened, we barely went on dates yet alone spent quality time together anymore and according to him I was taking the easy way out. He had the job he wanted, his close friends lived nearby in Vegas and he could always take a drive if he needed to feel something familiar. I worked from home with no human contact and no coworkers to grow close to. I was searching for my happiness, but the one person who was supposed to be there for me was shutting me out.

How do you know how someone feels about you? Wait for the breakup . . . every single thing they never told you will suddenly be thrown in your face. All of their family and friends who they claimed liked you will actually never have liked you at all. They will say you never did anything for them and they will say you weren’t there for them. Nevermind the hours you spent searching for them a job in LA when you weren’t even apart of that equation at the time. None of that will matter. Someone can talk about marriage and a future with you, then tell you the opposite. Life is crazy.

I always see a little quote graphic that says “Don’t let everyone use you, but God!” This hits home so much right now because I feel like I’m ALWAYS there for anyone who needs me, but when I need someone I hear about it later, or they don’t come through. People will literally never give up on anything else until it comes to you. Five whole years down the drain and I’m left with photographs and alone in a state across the country from everyone who truly loves me. The worst thing is to see the person who you were down for do everything they were supposed to do with you with everyone else.

So many things have happened in the past few months that I almost questioned how great of a person I was and that I deserve the world and every darn thing in it. If it wasn’t for God I honestly don’t know how I would have made it through. I love California, I love my job, and I love a man who gave up on me. I’m not broken . . . just a little bent.

– India Clayton