Have you ever met someone and knew right away you wanted to love them? It was a new feeling for me, but the more scars he revealed to me the more I fell for him, every aspect of his past made me want to be apart of his future. I was hopeful and for the first time in a very long time all in. Now before you get excited this story isn’t a fairy tale, nor does it have a happy ending. There were some detours, second chances, and it involved endless apologies, repetitive conversations and days without speaking leaving me to wonder was this really meant to be. Is love supposed to be confusing, that was the question I asked myself every day, is love complicated, does it leave you wondering? I’d like to tell you I have all the answers, I would really like to say we figured it out and that we got it together because we knew it was worth it, but I would be lying and as always this is a place where I come to lay my truth out,
I was in way too deep from the beginning, we connected through faith which is something I had always hoped for. In my previous relationship my faith in God wasn’t respected and was sometimes made to be a joke, so this was beyond refreshing. Though we connected spiritually we were lacking in other areas specifically communication which would ultimately be our demise.
I felt neglected and ignored by the one person I wanted to give my time to the most and at times found myself venting on social media. Was this a game to him, did it make him feel good to know his silence left my mind racing with thoughts, so many thoughts of
I did my best to distance myself when I felt I was wasting my time, but he would come with all the right words to make me feel I was overthinking. I had never felt Sza’s lyrics to Love Galore so much: ” Why you bother me when you know you don’t want me?” rang loudly in my head and the sound of him saying I love you India rang louder. I was so confused because I wanted to believe he really did love me, but how could you love someone and treat them less than, why neglect the little things, why make exes and women online feel more special than her? I guess I left out one big detail, he wasn’t mine. We weren’t in a relationship, somehow I allowed myself to accept this situationship for more than it was. Words more than actions and I ate them up like the last supper all because I loved him.
Why do we allow ourselves to accept less than we deserve? How did I allow myself to give and pour out when my well was running dry? I went
I already told you this doesn’t have a happy ending it was the type of conversation you have when you run into an ex with his new girlfriend, what can you really say besides hey, how are you doing. Only this was just us, and what used to be comfortable and felt like love now felt like two strangers. The conversation ended less than 5 mins followed by pointless texts, to nothing. I didn’t know how to feel, the person I wanted to share life with was probably just a facade to me. I began replaying the conversations in my head where I was asking for something so little, and it was still too much and I realized he was never mine. I wanted him to be, but he was not mine. There is probably some woman getting what I so desperately wanted from him, but I will have to be okay with that because when you truly love someone you want them to be happy even if
Someday I will look at someone and smile knowing they are for me and this love thing won’t be as hard.