I hate when people tell me how I should feel, that is something I absolutely despise. It’s even worse when it’s coming from the person behind the reason you’re in your feelings because what you won’t do is hurt me, then tell me what to do with my hurt. There is no time limit on healing or moving past a situation its literally something you have to take one day at a time which I’m okay with. I just question am I really sad about this situation, or am I inflicting pain on myself that isn’t necessary. I was in love, but I removed myself from this situation awhile ago and the other person barely noticed and I think that is what contributed to my feelings being hurt more. Have you ever loved somebody, wait lemme rephrase that because I started hearing Brandy mid-sentence, but really have you loved someone and realized you had to draw yourself away to see if they really cared. I stopped hitting him up, checking on him throughout the day, and all the little things I genuinely wanted to do because I cared, and I saw it didn’t matter.
I was hurt.
I wasn’t hurt because I missed him, I was hurt because I realized the person I thought cared about me didn’t care at all. The person I let my guard all the way down for after not dating for so long could care less about my feelings. Trust is hard, but learning to trust someone again is even harder, but I tried. I went into this situation open and I tried doing things I wasn’t used to. I sacrificed things I knew I wanted because I knew they were minuscule in comparison to how I felt about him. I always felt like an afterthought and wondered was that the case. Why was everything so last minute, I would find out about a date the day of and it was always the same thing? I never even received anything, not a card, not a gift, not a flower, but that never mattered to me I was concerned with building a true connection with this man,
When I think back on how naive I was to not notice that nothing was being reciprocated, my genuine interest in everything he had going on was one-sided. I will never forget how hurt I was to find out he didn’t even know the name of my blog or my Youtube channel and both are my name for God’s sake. I think that was the moment I realized I was just someone to pass time until the person he really wanted aligned with him. I was devastated and thought if I told him exactly what I wanted we could get on the same page, but what do you do when the other person acts like everything is fine yet communication looks like an argument to them. Nothing. That’s all you can do and I won’t lie I settled for the bare minimum all in the name of love. I took what I was given, small talk and an occasional date to the movies because I just hoped that he could see how much I truly cared for him.
Why as women do we try to prove our worth to a man? Everyone knows what they want and men will literally waste your time when they know all along its not you. If you don’t truly see a future with someone why drag them on an emotional rollercoaster to be with someone else a week later doing all the things they asked you for. That what the dagger in my heart, how easy it is for men to move on but I guess that’s what happens when you’re not being genuine. I have so many good days, but once I let my mind wander for a bit I start dwelling on how foolish I was to keep trying for someone who proved they weren’t willing to meet me halfway. I made a mistake of looking on their social media one day and it was like God was putting a billboard in my face saying look he moved on, now you do the same. You won’t know hurt until you see the person you love with someone else doing something they never did for you.
Someone told me just because you treated someone good and did things for them doesn’t warrant loyalty or love and in that moment I realized I was expecting too much. Everyone who says they love you won’t mean it and every smile isn’t genuine. Pain does not miss anyone and you have to learn how truly let the hurt go to move forward with what’s truly for you.
I’m healing, but every once in a while I get upset and vent and I have to tell myself its okay as long as I don’t let sadness consume me.
xoxo India Sierra